Session 3: The best thing for sickness is flat Coke

I got food poisoning last week. It was the worst thing ever. One minute I was walking down the runway in 12-inch crepe-soled trainers and a tinfoil camisole, the next I was retching all over my stylist.
The thing was, I hadn't eaten anything for three days except for Twiglets, Champagne, Diet Coke and Nurofen, so I can't imagine what made me sick. I looked at the sell-by dates of the Twiglets and the diet Coke and they were both good until 2039, so it can't have been them, and I never have a problem with Nurofen, so I suppose it must have been the Champagne. Unfortunately, the label was in French, but it did seem to be very old. I guess it must have gone off in the bottle. You hear about that sort of thing.
Anyway, I complained to the stewardess, who had terrible skin, but brought me more Coke and a box of napkins. Did I say that the runway was at an airport? That's the great thing about flying first class, nothing's too much trouble. When Seven and I
go on long flights we like to play little games. Sometimes we pretend our headphones aren't working, or that we have ordered special food.
Seven is peanut-intolerant, so she has to be careful because you find peanuts in some pretty strange places these days. Once, on Concorde, we played a game where we tried to make our noses bend whenever the plane hit the speed of sound, but a little boy who looked a bit like Macaulay Culkin started crying. He said he was having a nightmare where he was attacked by giant cheese sticks. Seven let him chew on her pretzels and he soon calmed down. Then he swallowed a Champagne cork and had to be given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. It was great, they actually asked: "Is there a doctor on the flight?"
The best thing to do for sickness is to drink flat Coke. I learned that from a footballer, who had better remain nameless, who said that all the top teams use it to get over their hangovers before big games. Obviously I have to look after my figure, so I use Diet Coke, but it works just as well.
When we get really bored on long flights, Seven and I like to drop small foreign coins in our Coke and watch the dirt come off. I think that's what it does to your stomach. Then we give the coins to the appeal for the starving people, because they'd only set off the X-ray machine in the airport.
Recently, the flying has been getting a bit much. I think I might have to move to Milan. After a while, you realise that you're not going to see a polar bear.