Session 2: Whales don't need mobile phones

I shouldn't smoke, but I do. The problem is, if you are a model, what do you do when you are not modelling? The life of a supermodel isn’t all parties, fashion shoots and long flights in Club Class nibbling on a Twiglet, so you have to learn how to make your own entertainment. It's a bit like being a grown-up. You have these spare hours when you have nothing scheduled and you just have to think "what now?" I would go shopping, but I don't need to. I get all my clothes for free. It's daunting, like being an astronaut or fish. I think of it as moon time. I imagine myself being Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon, looking down on the earth. It's all blue and small, like an olive in the sea of time. It's because I'm an Aries.
At times like these I try to meditate. Buddhism is so cool and the statues are to die for. They're so peaceful and placid. I had a dog like that when I was young but it went away when my father left. He went to dog heaven. (The dog!) I don't think goldfish have thoughts really, or they would be very bored just going round and round in the bowl with people looking at them. I used to have two goldfish, Donny and Marie. One day Donny broke his back, but he kept on swimming. I think about him sometimes when I am tired or if I get stuck in the departure lounge because of fog or bombs. You just have to keep swimming. I remember reading about Keiko the whale. Keiko was the star of the great movie Free Willy and its sequel Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home. Keiko was sent to a big cage in Iceland. Life can be so unfair. One day you are a superstar whale with your own pool in Newport, Oregon, the next you are being airlifted to Iceland and set loose in the Northern Atlantic. It seems that Warner Brothers can make whale movies by using special effects and they have no use for movie star whales anymore. I like to think Keiko will find his way back to Hollywood. Whales can communicate with their friends across the oceans. They don't need mobile phones. That's what I'd like when I die: come back as a whale, or at least a marine mammal or a dolphin. There are a lot of sharks in the fashion world. They have to keep swimming or they die but if you kick them on the nose they go away.
Donny lived for three months with his broken back, then we flushed him. Marie was never the same.

Session 1: I feel like an actor in someone else's film

My name is Candy Barr and I am a supermodel. I am from Drem. It is a small town in East Lothian. There is a sub-Post Office and a field where horses can jump. It is on the railway line between Edinburgh and London. I was standing on the station platform when I was spotted by an agent and nothing in my life was ever the same. I had my first kiss in the bus shelter at the end of the Dirleton by-pass. My favourite colour is aquamarine. My lucky number is nine. My favourite animal is a meerkat. I am not dating David Beckham. I have had substance abuse problems but I have confronted the reckless urge which was controlling my life and now understand that I am in control of my own destiny. I am an Aries. I believe in God, but I think he is inside everyone and not in the sky with a big beard. I have a statue of Buddha in my second bathroom. I got it at the Farmers' Market in Los Angeles. I don't know much about Buddhism, but I like Chinese food and I think you can tell if a statue has a good aura. I believe in feng shui but not in ghosts. I am naturally thin. I am not ill. I do not binge or vomit or inject heroin in the space between my toes where the camera can't see. I eat like a horse. I used to have a pony who I loved more than I have loved anyone. I don't really want to talk about my parents, thank you. My upbringing was good. I was fat when I was young and I have never forgotten the pain of being taunted by others. I have taken some satisfaction from the fact that I am an international beauty, but I understand that the whims of the marketplace are not a thing on which to base one's self-esteem. I will not be a model forever. I know some people can go on and on, like Jerry Hall or Isabella Rossellini, but there's something undignified about that, not that I'm criticising them. I don't worry about nudity, because we are all naked underneath and there's no shame in that. But I think maybe I was exploited when I was younger. Some of my best friends are gay but that doesn't mean I am. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay.It's difficult, trying to maintain a relationship. You never know why people like you. Sometimes I think it isn't me that they like but an imaginary person who looks like me. When that happens I can feel like an actor in someone else's film. I recently did a video and I think I might like to try a movie, but the part would have to be right. I would look for a part that taught me something. My favourite movie is Born Free.I sometimes think I am in a zoo. In my dreams I can fly. It isn't a big deal. It's just the way I get around. Sometimes in my dreams I am sinking into my bed and I can't get out. On planes I never sleep. I take serotonin. I need the sun but I have fair skin and burn easily. I have a recurring dream where I look through the letterbox of my front door and there is wire outside, but it is on fire. It is burning wire. I would like to give something back to society. Maybe I could teach, or work with the United Nations or horses. When I was young, I wanted to be the first woman on the moon. Sometimes I think I will have to stop modelling, but how can you stop, and what else could I do?