I Thought I Was Pregnant But It Was My Vegetable Bhuna Playing Up

I don't really "do" the Apocalypse, so I was upset to read that President Bush is thinking about bombing Iran. I hate it when world wars happen. The last time America bombed somebody I was travelling back from Japan and my plane got diverted to Delhi, where we were kept in the airport for 12 hours until the bombing stopped. It was terrible, we were given vouchers worth $12 and left to fend for ourselves. I'd never been to India before and I was quite excited, but the executive lounge was full and the air conditioning didn't work and the lighting was very harsh. My friend Seven and I tried to find the casino but got lost and ended up in a room where a man with a pink turban was doing tricks with a snake. He seemed very pleased to see us, but he said something in Indian which didn't sound very nice so we ran straight out again and went back to look at the itsy-bitsy teeny weeny not mock croc handbags in the duty-free luggage store.
That's when I discovered what Delhi belly meant. I felt something in my stomach which was different from the normal pains. I thought I might be pregnant (some chance!) and took four Nurofen Extra Strength and a piece of Wrigley's Extra to settle me down, but I still felt weird. It was like I'd swallowed a pigeon and it was trying to get out. The next thing I knew I was lying on a bed of nails being massaged by a man with skin the colour of Trailer Trash nail varnish. He didn't know much English and kept muttering, "You are Windsor Davies, you die now," which was a bit scary. Then Seven came back with a toffee apple and we went to look for a sushi bar and a copy of Italian Vogue in case we were on the cover and had forgotten.
It's not true that supermodels take drugs. Anyway, the heroin chic look isn't fashionable anymore, because too many people are trying it. I know it's cool to get exhausted and check into a clinic, but it's best to be sober when you do this, otherwise you miss out on all the gossip and stand less chance of winning at charades. The food is great, but they don't force you to eat anything, which saves time. My mime was Funny Face, which was great because I can look quite like Audrey Hepburn if I puff my cheeks out and whimper. Seven thought I was doing Buddha and confused everyone by shouting out her secret mantra. She was on the seventh level of consciousness before the duty therapist found the syringe.
That was when I met Pete.

Session 3: The best thing for sickness is flat Coke

I got food poisoning last week. It was the worst thing ever. One minute I was walking down the runway in 12-inch crepe-soled trainers and a tinfoil camisole, the next I was retching all over my stylist.
The thing was, I hadn't eaten anything for three days except for Twiglets, Champagne, Diet Coke and Nurofen, so I can't imagine what made me sick. I looked at the sell-by dates of the Twiglets and the diet Coke and they were both good until 2039, so it can't have been them, and I never have a problem with Nurofen, so I suppose it must have been the Champagne. Unfortunately, the label was in French, but it did seem to be very old. I guess it must have gone off in the bottle. You hear about that sort of thing.
Anyway, I complained to the stewardess, who had terrible skin, but brought me more Coke and a box of napkins. Did I say that the runway was at an airport? That's the great thing about flying first class, nothing's too much trouble. When Seven and I
go on long flights we like to play little games. Sometimes we pretend our headphones aren't working, or that we have ordered special food.
Seven is peanut-intolerant, so she has to be careful because you find peanuts in some pretty strange places these days. Once, on Concorde, we played a game where we tried to make our noses bend whenever the plane hit the speed of sound, but a little boy who looked a bit like Macaulay Culkin started crying. He said he was having a nightmare where he was attacked by giant cheese sticks. Seven let him chew on her pretzels and he soon calmed down. Then he swallowed a Champagne cork and had to be given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. It was great, they actually asked: "Is there a doctor on the flight?"
The best thing to do for sickness is to drink flat Coke. I learned that from a footballer, who had better remain nameless, who said that all the top teams use it to get over their hangovers before big games. Obviously I have to look after my figure, so I use Diet Coke, but it works just as well.
When we get really bored on long flights, Seven and I like to drop small foreign coins in our Coke and watch the dirt come off. I think that's what it does to your stomach. Then we give the coins to the appeal for the starving people, because they'd only set off the X-ray machine in the airport.
Recently, the flying has been getting a bit much. I think I might have to move to Milan. After a while, you realise that you're not going to see a polar bear.

Session 2: Whales don't need mobile phones

I shouldn't smoke, but I do. The problem is, if you are a model, what do you do when you are not modelling? The life of a supermodel isn’t all parties, fashion shoots and long flights in Club Class nibbling on a Twiglet, so you have to learn how to make your own entertainment. It's a bit like being a grown-up. You have these spare hours when you have nothing scheduled and you just have to think "what now?" I would go shopping, but I don't need to. I get all my clothes for free. It's daunting, like being an astronaut or fish. I think of it as moon time. I imagine myself being Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon, looking down on the earth. It's all blue and small, like an olive in the sea of time. It's because I'm an Aries.
At times like these I try to meditate. Buddhism is so cool and the statues are to die for. They're so peaceful and placid. I had a dog like that when I was young but it went away when my father left. He went to dog heaven. (The dog!) I don't think goldfish have thoughts really, or they would be very bored just going round and round in the bowl with people looking at them. I used to have two goldfish, Donny and Marie. One day Donny broke his back, but he kept on swimming. I think about him sometimes when I am tired or if I get stuck in the departure lounge because of fog or bombs. You just have to keep swimming. I remember reading about Keiko the whale. Keiko was the star of the great movie Free Willy and its sequel Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home. Keiko was sent to a big cage in Iceland. Life can be so unfair. One day you are a superstar whale with your own pool in Newport, Oregon, the next you are being airlifted to Iceland and set loose in the Northern Atlantic. It seems that Warner Brothers can make whale movies by using special effects and they have no use for movie star whales anymore. I like to think Keiko will find his way back to Hollywood. Whales can communicate with their friends across the oceans. They don't need mobile phones. That's what I'd like when I die: come back as a whale, or at least a marine mammal or a dolphin. There are a lot of sharks in the fashion world. They have to keep swimming or they die but if you kick them on the nose they go away.
Donny lived for three months with his broken back, then we flushed him. Marie was never the same.

Session 1: I feel like an actor in someone else's film

My name is Candy Barr and I am a supermodel. I am from Drem. It is a small town in East Lothian. There is a sub-Post Office and a field where horses can jump. It is on the railway line between Edinburgh and London. I was standing on the station platform when I was spotted by an agent and nothing in my life was ever the same. I had my first kiss in the bus shelter at the end of the Dirleton by-pass. My favourite colour is aquamarine. My lucky number is nine. My favourite animal is a meerkat. I am not dating David Beckham. I have had substance abuse problems but I have confronted the reckless urge which was controlling my life and now understand that I am in control of my own destiny. I am an Aries. I believe in God, but I think he is inside everyone and not in the sky with a big beard. I have a statue of Buddha in my second bathroom. I got it at the Farmers' Market in Los Angeles. I don't know much about Buddhism, but I like Chinese food and I think you can tell if a statue has a good aura. I believe in feng shui but not in ghosts. I am naturally thin. I am not ill. I do not binge or vomit or inject heroin in the space between my toes where the camera can't see. I eat like a horse. I used to have a pony who I loved more than I have loved anyone. I don't really want to talk about my parents, thank you. My upbringing was good. I was fat when I was young and I have never forgotten the pain of being taunted by others. I have taken some satisfaction from the fact that I am an international beauty, but I understand that the whims of the marketplace are not a thing on which to base one's self-esteem. I will not be a model forever. I know some people can go on and on, like Jerry Hall or Isabella Rossellini, but there's something undignified about that, not that I'm criticising them. I don't worry about nudity, because we are all naked underneath and there's no shame in that. But I think maybe I was exploited when I was younger. Some of my best friends are gay but that doesn't mean I am. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay.It's difficult, trying to maintain a relationship. You never know why people like you. Sometimes I think it isn't me that they like but an imaginary person who looks like me. When that happens I can feel like an actor in someone else's film. I recently did a video and I think I might like to try a movie, but the part would have to be right. I would look for a part that taught me something. My favourite movie is Born Free.I sometimes think I am in a zoo. In my dreams I can fly. It isn't a big deal. It's just the way I get around. Sometimes in my dreams I am sinking into my bed and I can't get out. On planes I never sleep. I take serotonin. I need the sun but I have fair skin and burn easily. I have a recurring dream where I look through the letterbox of my front door and there is wire outside, but it is on fire. It is burning wire. I would like to give something back to society. Maybe I could teach, or work with the United Nations or horses. When I was young, I wanted to be the first woman on the moon. Sometimes I think I will have to stop modelling, but how can you stop, and what else could I do?